


Tell Me How

by samiiii



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, I am so tired, M/M, Slow To Update, Therapy, Title from a Paramore Song, long chapters, remus isnt dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29194002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samiiii/pseuds/samiiii
Summary: Remus survives the war and is in therapy,, basically just telling stories from his life and hogwarts experience. nothing too graphic i'll say something about it if there is but there will be many mentions of death.Disclaimer: I don’t support jkr and tom felton or any of the transphobic things they’ve said,, i love u all and ur completely valid. disclaimer 2 is that i’ve never been to therapy so if this unrealistic that’s why LMAO
Relationships: Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, Arthur Weasley/Molly Weasley, Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange, Dorcas Meadowes/Peter Pettigrew, Euphemia Potter/Fleamont Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, Mary Macdonald/Marlene McKinnon, Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3





	1. first time

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my first time writing anything oh god

_Cause I'm just one of those ghosts_

_Traveling endlessly_

_Don't need no roads_

_In fact, they follow me_

_And we just go in circles_

Voldemort was defeated two years ago. Everyone Remus had was gone. No Sirius. No James. No Lily. He told Andromeda he couldn't handle taking care of Teddy. He sometimes wishes that he died all those years ago. Wishes it was him instead of James and Lily, but not because he wanted them to be alive. He wished it was him instead so he wouldn't have to bear all this pain. He knew they would be able to handle it better than him. He was always the weak one. Sometimes he thinks back to when he was at Hogwarts. When life was good. He used to run through the halls and hide away from teachers. Used to sneak around with Sirius. Oh, Sirius. He quickly thought of something else. He knows what thinking back too much can do. He thought about what Harry had said the last time they were together.

"Remus, you need to work on moving on. I know you won't ever be able to completely, but you need to try. It hurts me seeing you like this. It's like you're not even there half the time. You have this look in your eyes, its like you're a ghost. You always seem to be focused on something else. Half the time I don't even know if you're listening to me. I think you should see a therapist. Right after the war I did. It really helped me to talk things out with someone who's just there to listen." Remus told him he would think about it. He lied. Harry told him that almost a year ago, and Remus didn't even try to find a therapist. He should now, he thought. Remus did some research and owled St. Mungo's and found out they had a few therapists. He scheduled an appointment for Friday.

_Friday_

Remus had stayed up almost all night worrying about his appointment. He woke up at around ten, and his appointment was at 12:30. He would have time to shower and grab a coffee on the way there if he was out of the house by 11:30. While he was on the bus, Remus thought about his life. Not the bad parts, but the good. He thought about all the fun things he had done with the other marauders. He remembered when they first became friends. Peter had sat next to him on the train and had lots of sweets. James and Sirius shared a boat on the way to the castle. They all sat by each other at the Gryffindor table and shared a dorm. He got off the bus and went into the building. He checked in at the front desk and sat in the waiting room. By the time they called his name he was practically shaking, he was so scared. A short lady with long, bright, red curly hair told Remus to follow her. She took him to a tiny office and told him to sit down and that the therapist would be there in a second. After a few minutes, another lady came in. She had very soft features; a small nose and tiny plump lips. Very light blonde hair as well. She reminded Remus of his mother. 

"Hello, you must be Remus! My name is Athena and I'm going to be your therapist for the time being. I assume you've already met my assistant, and if you haven't this is Jade. She'll be the one to schedule your appointments and such." Jade smiled and left the room. 

"Um hello, I'm Remus. It's very nice to meet you."

"Tell me Remus, why did you think about coming here?" she asked. 

"Well, I fought in both wizarding wars and I've lost a lot of people. About a year ago one of my friends told me he had been going and it helped him lots. He said that I was acting different. Like a ghost. And I felt like a ghost, too. I feel like I haven't been living, just existing. Everyday is the same and it's like I'm in an ongoing cycle of being hurt and then feeling numb. I just thought I better get some help." Remus responded.

"I'm proud of you. Admitting that you need help isn't easy and it's even harder to actually get it. We can talk about anything you're comfortable with, you can start off by telling me about the good times in your life or the hard times. It's all up to you." Athena said. 

"Okay.. Well, on the bus ride here I was thinking about when I first got to Hogwarts. I remember being so excited, but also nervous. I was scared everyone would find out that I'm a werewolf. I guess the excitement overcame that because I remember being so bouncy on the train. That was where I met Peter. He came into the compartment about an hour into the ride and had loads of sweets. I bet he had more than the trolley" He said with a small giggle. "Pete always had some type of sweet on him. You see, he was a little chubby guy until probably the end of fourth year. Anyways, we ate so much I remember barely having any room for the feast. We met James and Sirius after we all got sorted. Pete and I were a bit scared of them at first, they both came from old, pure-blood families. Especially Sirius. We felt like we weren't good enough to be in their presence. I had noticed that Peter took a particular liking to James- that never stopped. He would always look at James with a sense of admiration and idolization. We all did in a way; James had something each of us wanted. He was very, very similar to Sirius, but he had the family that Sirius always wanted. And he was less hard headed I think. He had the confidence I desperately needed. As a child I was really quiet and shy, and seeing James be so effortlessly confident and outgoing all the time sparked a little bit of jealousy in me. He was everything Peter wanted to be. He got the attention. Had the charm and looks. I guess you could say that we looked at James as our 'leader' during first year. None of us knew the others well but we all enjoyed being around each other and seemed to get along well. It was convenient that we all shared a dorm, too." Remus felt himself start to tear up. No, he couldn't cry. He would not cry in front of someone he just met. 

Athena noticed him get lost in thought and decided that was enough for today. "Well, I think that's all the time we have today, Remus. It was so nice to hear about your friends, they seem like they would've been amazing" He nodded at that. "I'll have Jade owl you to schedule your next appointment, unless you want her to use a telephone? We recently started using Muggle things." 

"An owl is fine, thank you. I better get going though. Thank you for this, it was so nice to meet you." He said as he got up. He left the building and tried to think about something else, anything besides the marauders. Maybe he would visit Teddy soon, he missed his son. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from misguided ghosts by paramore


	2. just a boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots about death this chapter, also, ive never been to therapy, i dont know what happens so if this is unrealistic please just bear with me,, off topic BUT Hayley Williams just released her second album and it's really good go stream it

_If I went and hurt my body, baby_

  
_Would you love me the same?_

  
_I can feel all my bones coming back_

  
_And I'm craving motion_

Remus felt refreshed. He felt like this therapy thing could actually help him. He had called Dromeda to see if he could come by and see Teddy soon. He was going to see him next week. After talking about everything with Athena, he felt lighter, in a sense. He felt less like a ghost, and more like a zombie. He still didn't feel alive, but he felt more in control of his body. He wasn't on autopilot anymore. Jade had owled him a few days after Friday and they decided that they would meet every Friday at four. Remus needed a job. Should he start working at Hogwarts again? It was hard last time. He felt like he was reliving his childhood but without the things that made it bright. How could he possibly do that again, after seeing so many young children dead? After seeing his wife dead, in the room he would have to eat in multiple times a day. He should probably ask Athena about that; with all the PTSD he has there it might not be smart to go back again. He made some tea and went to sleep with a lot on his mind. The next day was Friday, and Remus decided he deserved to sleep in. Sleep was hard for him. He had lots of nightmares, and sometimes he would dream about what his life would be like if everyone was alive still. Those dreams were worse than nightmares because when he woke up he had to come to the realization of his sad reality. He wishes he just wouldn't dream. He didn't have many dreams that night. He dreamt about his mother. Hope Lupin was a beautiful lady. Inside and out. She loved Remus with everything she had and just wanted the best for him. Remus was devastated when she died. He woke up at around twelve and decided he should start looking for a job. He skimmed through The Daily Prophet, but didn't find anything that interested him. He made himself some toast and tea and took a shower after that. He cleaned his house a bit and then left to catch the bus in time. 

When Remus went into the building, he felt a lot less nervous than last time. He sat down in the waiting room and waited for Jade to come and get him. She came over a few minutes later and started some small talk with Remus while taking him to Athena's office. He noticed Athena sitting with her legs up on her desk. 

"Remus!" she said with a smile. "How are you?"

"I've actually been pretty good." He said. 

"Sit down, please." Athena said while gesturing towards the chair across from her desk. While Remus was getting settled, she asked him, "Do you want to continue what we were talking about last week, or would you like to talk about something else? It's completely up to you and I'm up for anything" She said. 

"I actually wanted to talk about something different today. I was thinking about my mom a lot." He responded. "My mom was amazing. You actually look quite like her. She was extremely kind and welcoming, and never second guessed anything I did. I remember my first full moon, I was only four. My father had to lock me in our cellar for the night and I remember after the night everything hurt. I had cuts all over and I could barely stand. When my mom came down to get me I just burst into tears. I didn't fully understand what was happening, or why everything hurt. My father never really explained. He just put me in the cellar and told me everything would be okay. He didn't tell me why, so it's an understatement to say I was surprised when I felt like my bones were splitting in half. My mother came down in the morning and cleaned my cuts and got me dressed. She carried me back up and just laid me on my bed. I fell asleep and woke up to her stroking my hair and whispering things like in Welsh like, 'Mae'n ddrwg gen i, bydd popeth yn iawn.' which means, 'I'm sorry, everything will be okay' in Welsh. Mom always wanted me to learn more Welsh. She was from Wales. Anyways, after I woke up she gave me some soup and checked on my cuts. When Dad got home from work that night, he said they would stay there forever, as they were magical scars. I think she started crying when he said that. She died when I was 21. A little before James and Lily died, too. Everything came crashing down at once. James and Lily being killed. Sirius being sent to Azkaban. Peter supposedly being murdered by Sirius. I felt like I was the only one left. That wasn't true, of course. Mary was also left, but we were both grieving. Marlene had just been killed and Dorcas had died a few months before that. She shared a dorm with all those girls. I suppose it was the same for me, though. I shared a dorm with my friends. It hurt me so much when they all died. It was like my heart being repeatedly ripped to shreds." He was crying, at this point, but he didn't care anymore. Remus had been through so much, so he decided crying a little was okay. "I think the thing that hurt me the most was Sirius. None of us would have ever expected Sirius to do anything like that. Everyone said it was because of his name, but I disagree. If Sirius were to do something like that without being forced to, it would've been out of spite. He would've gotten into a fight with his parents and they would say something about him not being prejudiced and he would go out and kill 13 people to prove a point. That's Sirius for you." He said with a chuckle. Remus decided not to get into his relationship with Sirius. Not yet. 

"Thank you for sharing that with me, Remus. Your mother did a great job raising you, because you act just like you described her. You went through a lot all at once and had to deal with the pain of losing all the people you loved at once, which is hard for anyone. It's very, very impressing that you went through that and dealt with it alone for all this time, and then practically had to go through it again." Athena said. "As much as I would love to hear more about your mother and your friends, it looks like our time is up. Take care of yourself this week okay?" He nodded and left, feeling as if he was in a state of being high off of just pure sadness, or rather the feeling of letting go of a little of that sadness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from line without a hook by ricky montgomery


	3. tonks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seeing teddy also there is in fact an all the young dudes reference here yayyyy some disclaimer things ??? tonks uses they/them pronouns and im making it so teddy was born like 2 years before tonks dies because i want him to be able to speak in sentences oh yeah also ted tonks isn't dead

_Jesus Christ, I'm so blue all the time_

_And that's just how I feel_

_Always have and I always will_

  
  
This week Remus gets to see Teddy. He hasn't seen him in a few months. He sometimes wonders if Teddy ever thinks about him. Probably not often, the boy is only four, and Remus wasn't exactly a "present" parent. Remus also hasn't seen Andromeda since he last saw Teddy. To be fair, he was a little scared of her. He remembered when he first met Dromeda. It was when Dora was barely a baby and Remus had promised that he along with the other marauders wouldn't marry them. He guessed he broke the promise. Andromeda was a very nice lady. She was caring and kind, and her husband was all the same. Remus thinks she doesn't like him because of how bad of a father and husband he was. When Tonks first told him they were pregnant, Remus ran. He made some bullshit excuse that he didn't want the kid to inherit his lycanthropy. That was a lie. He didn't want kids. He always felt like he would be a bad father, and he was scared if he had kids they would become werewolves like him. He thought he didn't want to have kids with Tonks. Not because he didn't love them, of course, he did they were married, but because he felt like it wasn't right. Remus always thought that if he did change his mind about kids he would end up adopting a kid with Sirius.   


Remus got ready and apparated to Andy's house. He was scared, to say the least. What if Teddy doesn't remember him? That would be terrible. He knocked on the door and waited a few seconds for it to be opened. Ted had opened it, and Remus noticed Teddy sitting at the table with Andromeda.

  
"Hello, Remus! It's so nice to see you!" Ted said with bright eyes. 

"Hi Ted, it's nice to see you too! How have you been?" 

"I've been doing well. Oh, do come in, Remus! I must seem like such a bad host, having you standing in our doorway." Remus smiled and walked in. He noticed his son had very blond hair at the moment, almost white. He smiled at Teddy seeing how much he resembled Nymphadora. Andromeda looked over and smiled. 

"Remus! It's been so long! We missed you so much, didn't we Teddy?" She looked down at the little boy as he nodded. She got up and gave Remus a long and tight hug. 

"I am sorry for not coming by, life got the best of me," Remus said sheepishly. 

"Oh it's okay, we did miss you though. We all love it when you come by." Dromeda responded with a smile. Remus smiled at that. Andromeda was a nice lady, and he was extremely grateful to have her and Ted in his life. They were always there to help and he didn't know what he would do without them. 

"Dad!" Teddy exclaimed. His hair was turning into a lavender color as he ran to hug his dad. 

"Hey, bud! I missed you, I'm sorry I didn't come by sooner." Remus said, with a big smile. He adored his son with his whole heart. "What are you guys doing?" Remus asked.

"Grandma is teaching me wizards chess!" The little boy said. 

"Oooh, I love wizards chess," Remus said. "My mates and I used to play that all the time in school, and I was quite bad."

"I bet you're better than me." The boy said. 

"Maybe, but I'll show you some of my tricks," Remus responded, excited to be able to spend time with his son. They played wizards chess for a few hours and then Remus put Teddy down for a nap. He sat down in the living room with Ted and Dromeda. 

"So Remus, what's the real reason you didn't come by? It's unusual for you to go more than a few weeks without coming by," Andromeda asked kindly, her eyes showing concern. 

"I was in a pretty bad place for a few months," Remus explained. "I couldn't get out of bed and I barely had the motivation to shower. I was in my head lots, just thinking about life before everything fell apart. I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago, and I think it's helping. I am much happier."

"Oh, Remus I'm so sorry. Andromeda was like that right after Dora passed." Ted said. "We're very proud of you for getting help, though. Harry was in therapy, right?" 

"Yes, I believe so," Remus answered. They talked a little longer before Remus had to go. He gave them both tight hugs and told them to tell Teddy he's sorry he had to leave.

The remainder of the week was bad. Seeing Teddy made Remus spiral, in a way. He couldn't stop thinking about Tonks, and what it would be like if they were alive. They would be living in a small little house, maybe by the ocean. Remus would stay home with Teddy while Dora would be at work and when they came home Remus would make dinner and they would have some family time. Maybe they would have more kids together. Another boy and a girl, Tonks had always said. They wanted to name the girl after Remus' mother, Hope, and the boy Sirius, as he was Dora's cousin and one of Remus' closest friends. Nymphadora didn't know that Remus and Sirius had ever been romantically involved, and Remus was content with that. He thought that it was unnecessary to talk about it unless they asked, and they never did. Remus wonders what Sirius would've said when he found out his ex and cousin got married often. He would probably yell at Remus for a while, then ignore him for a few weeks but eventually accept it. James would be supportive from the beginning. He might question it, but he would never say anything about it. 

_Friday, at therapy_

"Hello Remus, how was your week?" Athena asked softly. Just by looking at Remus, she could tell it was a bad one, and that this session might be a little harder for him. 

"Well, it was going pretty good but then I saw my son. Surprise! I have a kid I didn't tell you about. Anyways, I love seeing him. He hasn't lived with me for the past two years since my spouse died. He lives with their parents and I usually see him every few weeks, but it had been a few months. So we hung out, had fun. Things started to go downhill when I got home. I started thinking a lot about Tonks, you see, we were only married for a year. I've been thinking about what life would be like if they hadn't been killed. We would've had such a peaceful life. We would've raised Teddy, maybe had a few other kids. We would watch our kids grow up while we grow old together. We would've had each other when we needed it most. Everything would just be better. I guess I feel guilty because I don't think of them often. I push back all my thoughts and memories that come to mind to avoid the pain, but it also makes me avoid just missing them as a whole. I barely think about them, while I think about my other dead loved ones all the time. They were so young when they died. You know we were twelve years apart? I didn't want to be in a relationship because I felt the age difference was too much, but I eventually gave in. We got married about a year after we started dating, and Teddy was born about a year into our marriage. Dora died a few months after that. I was devastated. That's why he lives with Andromeda and Ted because I could barely take care of myself, so how was I supposed to take care of a baby alone right after the person helping me raise him died. I also think they wanted to keep a piece of Dora, and they chose their kid. I'm okay with it, I suppose. I don't have enough money to feed more than one person anyway. Oh yeah, I also need a job so if you could keep an eye out for one you think would be good for me that would be great." Athena nodded, and Remus continued. "I met Tonks when they were a baby. We were all at the Potter's house for Christmas and Andromeda had dropped by, to see Sirius, I assume. Dromeda was his cousin, so I think Euphemia sent her an owl that Sirius was there and that she should drop by. She said she was sure none of us would marry Dora. She was in fact, wrong. I don't know what I feel. I have a lot of strong emotions, and I don't know how to deal with them, so when I'm feeling lots of them I just shut down and close myself off from the world." Remus concluded. 

Athena looked up at him and smiled. She told him that he is still grieving Dora, but also grieving all his friends from school. She said that the grief from the two separate events cause him to dissociate. He told her that he would research that more and figure out what it meant by next week and then went home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone im extremely tired and im sorry if the end felt like rushed i really wanna go to sleep and ive been working on this for like 2 hours i love u all a lot thank u for reading also lyrics from funeral by phoebe bridgers


	4. dissociation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a filler and its totally all over the place sorry about that lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for not updating, havent been feeling great. i literally don't know what is happening in this chapter I'm sorry if its confusing. also I've never written anything about mental illness/a character with mental illness so please tell me if I need to change anything

_I sit and watch you reading with your head low_

_  
I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed_

_  
I sit and watch you_

_  
I notice everything you do or don't do_

Remus went home and decided to research dissociative disorders. He wondered _why_ Athena would believe he might have that. If he was being honest, it scared him. He didn't want to have it. When looking at types of dissociation, he came across one called depersonalization. When looking at information about this, he noticed that he's felt this way before. With depersonalization, you feel like you're just watching your body, despite being in it. It's feeling like your reality is more dream-like, and feeling like you are outside your body. He learned that you experience depersonalization right traumatic events, or when put under immense amounts of stress. He had had his fair share of trauma. He found out that you can also dissociate when you get triggered. Getting triggered can be caused by many things, some of them being sounds or smells. When he read that, Remus thought back to all the times he had smelled black tea, and it had reminded him of Sirius and their time together, and how to all ended so abruptly. He also learned more about flashbacks, which helped him realize he has those very, very often. 

Remus was overwhelmed. There was so much to take in, and he wasn't sure if he was really feeling any of this. He didn't know if he was making up what he was feeling just while looking at all these symptoms. What if he was making it seem like more than it was? What if he was making it up for attention? He suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe, and noticed that tears were falling from his eyes. He took deep breaths, but that didn't help. What was wrong with him? He hadn't felt like this in years. The last time was probably when his mother died. He didn't even know why he was crying; why he felt like this. He felt guilty. He didn't need to feel this way. He didn't even know _what_ he was feeling. Was it grief? Or was he just crying because he could? He couldn't decide. Remus had stopped crying now, he was just having trouble breathing. Sirius used to get like this, he remembered. James would always tell Sirius to take a deep breath for four seconds and hold it for another four seconds, and then let it out. It always seemed to work for him. That would only happen to Sirius when he would get a letter from his parents, or if he saw them after he got disowned. Remus wondered what he felt like. His parents were always pretty loving, and he couldn't imagine what it would be like to grow up without that. Sirius had told them once that before he went to Hogwarts things were different. He said that his mother was a little more laid back and that she didn't put as much pressure on him. Remus thought about that often. What changed when Sirius came to Hogwarts? Why did his mother suddenly hate him? He never figured it out, but it was always interesting to him. He could never hate Sirius. Sure, he could be irritating at times, but he was such a caring person and he would do anything for those he loved. That was also a problem, though. He would do anything, and he never thought about the consequences. That’s what got him killed. He just thought about Harry, and he didn’t even think that he was supposed to be in hiding. Even though it was one of Siri's biggest flaws, it was one of the things Remus loved most about him. 

Remus' breathing had slowed by this point, but he couldn't stop thinking about life at Hogwarts, or just anything before _it_ happened. Usually he tried to avoid thinking about it, but he decided not to this time. He remembered the way Marlene would throw her head back when she laughed, or the way Lily would look at James before she came to terms with her feelings for him. He thought about fifth year. That was when he started seeing Sirius in a different light. Remus would look up from his book while they were studying and just watch Sirius. He loved how he twirled his hair with his fingers when he was thinking. He loved how Sirius would be able to convey everything he was feeling thought his facial expressions, and how he would close his eyes and slightly smile while tilting his head up a little whenever he would transform back to himself from Padfoot. He always looked so content with everything the mornings after full moons. Remus would watch how he acted whenever he didn't like someone; he would smile a lot but it was always very tight lipped and it never reached his eyes. Remus remembered the exact moment when he knew he was in love with Sirius. They had just gotten away with a prank, and Sirius looked at _him_ with the biggest smile. It seems small, but Sirius would always look at James after they did a prank. He would look at James and they would just burst out laughing. When he looked at Remus, they didn't laugh, they just smiled at each other. For about a minute, Remus was just staring into Sirius' eyes and smiling, and Sirius was doing the same. After that, Remus felt like he would do anything for Sirius. He felt like he had to follow him around like a lost puppy to get attention, which he barely got. Remus spent the entirety of fifth year pining after Sirius. Nothing really happened until summer. Remus was at the Potter's for a few weeks and Sirius had just been disowned so he was staying there, too. They would talk for hours on end while James was practicing for quidditch. One day James was putting away his broom and Remus just decided to kiss Sirius. They never really said anything about it, but they were together from then on. They told their James during Christmas of sixth year, and the rest of their friends all by summer. None of them really cared, but it took Pete a little while to get used to. James was always on his ass about that. Marlene came out as lesbian later that year, and told Remus she fancied Dorcas Meadows. James and Lily got together (finally) right before summer, which was convenient because Lily couldn't stand being at home with her horrid sister. She was at the Potters almost every day during summer before seventh year. That summer was the best he'd ever had. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from tolerate it by taylor swift 
> 
> guys I just reread this why is it terrible LMAOOOO I'm going to sleep I love u guys


End file.
